What are the odds that literally the day after I announce my website and newsletter, my hosting server goes down for over a week?
* whispers* Hey universe, what the fuck?
Anyways, in case anyone wondered why it was essentially impossible to get on my site and sign up for my newsletter or look at anything at all, that’s why. Dreamhost’s fault. All I could do was sit here for days until it was resolved but it finally was, so yay!
On the bright side, I’ve been editing. A lot. (There’s actually not another way to edit, it’s always a lot). The cool thing about editing is I’m learning better where my strengths and weaknesses are. Editing is honing my writing skill to bring us better stories and more exciting book boyfriends ;). At this point, we’re moving into what hopefully will be the last major round of edits. This is the part where I print the whole thing out and go through it with a red pen. I’m so excited for the final product!
Excited and terrified.
Hey, I realize I already put myself out there by posting my work at all, but there’s something different about sending it out into the ebook and printed book universe. It’s a new level of putting yourself out there and as an extreme introvert, I can’t express how scary it is to open yourself up in this way. Scary, thrilling, all my feels on the matter are contradictory to each other lol. I adore writing, and I love the amazing readers I’ve met along the way, but oh boy is the possibility of new readers scary. However, I can’t wait to meet new readers. I’ve met some incredible people and made some dear friends on this journey. Imagine if I’d never had the guts to post my work- eek!
Other exciting stuff happening is… I saw the first draft of the cover. My graphic designer sent it to me a couple days ago and guys… I almost cried. I cannot wait to share it with you after some minor tweaks. As soon as it’s ready, I’ll do a cover reveal and we can all fangirl together.
Seeming unrelated but is actually related: who would’ve known that my struggles in the publishing world this week wouldn’t be about formatting and typesetting (hahahahahah but I am so scared of this, really), marketing, editing, or any of the other many things I need to do, but instead about self-doubt? Imposter syndrome is real, and it beat me bloody this past weekend. The closer I drew to the last chapter of editing, the more panicky I became. You might think this sounds silly because, hello, I have some wonderful and loyal followers on Patreon that believe in me so much, they’re financially backing me. My appreciation for them is endless, and I truly to my core wish that erased all forms of self-doubt but it somehow doesn’t. Does it help? Hell yeah, it does. I wouldn’t be here without people’s excitement propelling me forward. I wouldn’t be here without my readers outside of Patreon, either. Logically, I know this all means I gotta be doing something right, and yet…
Imposter syndrome crept in anyways. It’s still lurking and taking jabs at me anytime I sit down to write something, but it’s not as overpowering as it was this last weekend. I think it was just reaching the end of the book with what will hopefully be the most intensive chunk of the editing made it real. Then the book cover made it more real. And now here I am, trying to maintain my cool and reminding myself I already have an amazing audience. They’ve already read the (unprofessionally edited version) book. So why does my brain wanna sabotage it? I don’t know. I wish I did and then maybe squashing it would be easier. Regardless, every step towards the final product heightens my excitement and my self-doubt, but I’m hoping the latter will level out and let the first win, because this is kind of big. Huge, actually. I had a moment when my graphic designer sent me the full cover (front, back, spine) where I just stared down at it like “holy shit, I’m going to hold this in my hands in a few months”. Like the real thing. A printed copy of a book.
THAT I WROTE
Whew, sorry, I think I fainted for a second. Anyway, it’s a frickin’ ride, people. It feels surreal and only gets moreso every step closer to publishing I get. The amount of new things I’m learning in a short time is astounding and there’s days I’m so overwhelmed trying to balance day job, family, alone time with my honey, writing, editing, and somewhere in there I want at least a couple seconds to myself so I can finish the series I’m reading (shout out to Ellle Thorpe. This is my first time reading her work (Saint View Prison series) and I can safely say I will 100000% be picking up more of hers). Now, balancing all that feels impossible sometimes but I get myself through it by saying “hey, this is for now, not for forever”. Next time around for publishing, I won’t be learning a million new things. I’ll have already done it once, and it’ll get easier each time. But here’s the amazing thing:
This isn’t the first time in my life I’ve struggled with balance. I don’t know if it’s a human thing or a neurodivergent thing, but I’m so incapable of balancing well unless I’m really on top of it with lists and reminders in my phone, and even then, my hyperfixation gets so out of control, hours can go by while I’m sucked into something and I won’t have noticed even a minute passed. I’ve been overwhelmed before, everyone has. We all know that feeling. But this particular brand of overwhelmed is new to me. In the past, my overwhelmed states could get so intense and usually left me with this feeling of “I can’t do this”, or “I’m gonna crack” or “even a break won’t fix this”. This new brand of overwhelmed is quite different. It’s more like “I can’t believe I’m doing this holy shit wow”, or “I’m gonna crack but like in a good way”, or “wow, even when I take a break, my mind is racing with new ideas, images, characters, and smooth one-liners”. This brand of overwhelmed is one that doesn’t leave me feeling like the world’s coming down. This brand of overwhelmed doesn’t strip hope away. This brand of overwhelmed actually makes me look forward to the future. I’m terrified to published, but I’m overjoyed at the thought of holding my own book. I’m worried how the launch will go, but no matter what happens this’ll be a dream come true. I’m anxious, but I know it’s just part of the hustle and the end result will be worth it.
The process itself already has been worth it, I even added a new Nex line I’m excited for you to see in the book in February 😉
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have more correspondence to do with my graphic designer, some more editing, and a lot more creating 🖤